I have always said that everything I learn, I learn the hard way. I guess what I mean by that is that i never really learn something unless I've failed at it somehow the first time around or I've gotten yelled at or somehow in trouble - which makes me never want to experience that feeling again. For instance, when I was in 6th grade learning the European countries and capitals, The question was asked, "what is the capital of England?". I raised my hand and answered "Paris". This sent
Sister Bernard into a state of disbelief and she shrieked at the top of her lungs, "what are you, stupid??!! Paris is the capital of France!!" So needless to say, from that moment on, i never forgot that Paris is the capital of France. Lesson learned. But not without a cost. I was so humiliated in front of my entire class and I NEVER wanted to experience that feeling again. So I stopped raising my hand to answer questions for fear of saying the wrong thing and being humiliated again. I just gave into the humiliation.
Anyway, you get the point.
So, this morning I was going through my workout - day 14 of Jillian Michaels 90 day body revolution - it was a cardio day. I have done this particular workout 4 times now and I was dogging it! I couldn't believe how hard it was for me. Now, I'm not in the best shape of my life at this particular point, but I know that I am better than what I was putting out there effort-wise. I have not been very disciplined about my food choices lately and I figured I could just get warmed back up with Jillian's workout and the rest would fall into place.
Wrong.
It hit me about 3/4 of the way through this particular workout that my body could not function optimally because I have been eating crap! I felt like I was just going through the motions because I couldn't kick it up and really give it my all. THAT was my all. That was ALL I could give. Now I know it's probably still better doing it at 30% than not at all. But I really wonder about that. It was crazy that I couldn't do that workout without feeling like I was not going to be able I finish. I had the wrong fuel in my body. My body felt like it was crashing instead of thriving.
The hard way. It's the only way that works for me. If someone said to me, "if you keep eating this crap, you're not gonna be able to have effective workouts because your body wont be able to give you the energy you need", i would have just nodded my head in agreement but probably wouldnt have thought much else of it. I would have figured, i can just burn the crap off. Now I'm not even talking anout weight loss or calories here, I'm talking just about performance and endurance.
Lesson learned. The hard way.
I'm glad that I figured this out now so that I can fix it, get the most of my workouts and keep moving forward. There's no sense in shoveling shit against the tide. And that's what I was doing. The thing is, I KNEW that's what I was doing, but until I actually felt it, I couldn't get it in my head.
So, I am looking forward to that same workout that is next scheduled for Tuesday! And instead of giving in, like I did in 6th grade, I am stronger now and can suck it up and look myself in the eye and say,"You know what you need to do. So just do it!"
What are you weighting for
Friday, January 18, 2013
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Back At It...
Yup.
Feeling that old feeling again. Starting to feel strong again.
After taking some significant time off from working out (which is never a good thing for me physically or mentally) I have got myself back in a routine this week and am feeling really, really good. It always amazes me how good I feel when I eat better and work out. Well, ok, that's not the amazing thing, the thing that really amazes me is how hard it is to get back to that after being away from it for a while. I always "know" I am going to feel better if I just do it, but it's the "just doing it" part that sometimes is the hardest thing to do. I'm not sure why that is. All I know is that I am glad that over the past 3 years, no matter how much I struggle and stray, I always seem to be able to get back to it. It just feels good. And I don't know why I fight it so much. I guess maybe because sometimes I don't feel like I am worthy of all of the benefits that eating better and exercise brings. Because it's easier to be a victim. It's easy to feel sorry for yourself. It's easy to sit back and ask "why me?".
Now, I'm not saying that is the mentality I was just recently in...but I was damn close. It's hard to battle the world and all of it's temptations. But it's even harder to battle yourself. Your mind tricks you and makes you think that you suck and that you don't deserve to be happy, healthy, successful or loved. Stop listening. It's so easy to fall back into those old habits because you feel alone, useless, fat, ugly, helpless and hopeless.. But you're not. I'm not. It's time to stand up to the bully inside you and get rid of it for good.
That's what I had to do over the last few weeks. Well, I didn't just decided one day that I was going to just stand up and say, "that's it! I've had enough! I am not going to be bullied anymore!" No. I am a planner. I like lists, spreadsheets, agendas..you get the gyst.. :-) I had to plan my attack against myself and build up the courage to do it. It wasn't an ultimatum, either. I decided that I would take baby steps until I got brave enough to just keep going past my bully, no matter what it said to me. So that's where I'm at. It's like having to pass that mean kid on the corner on your way to school everyday. You know they're there. But you also know you have to get past them in order to get to where you want to go. So maybe the first couple of days you try to take a different route so that you don't pass them at all. But that never works, because sooner or later, you come face to face with the bully. So you just gotta do what you gotta do.
This week, I have taken a deep breath, held my head up high and walked right past the bully with so much confidence. Why? Because I know what's beyond the bully. I've gone past that bully before and was ok. Sooner or later, that bully is going to go away for good because I am not feeding it anymore. I'm not giving into it. I'm not listening. It's all bull shit! As a person who was picked on because of her weight her entire life, it's very easy to believe the bullies - even in my forties. But I know better. If I don't feed any energy into that bully, it can't thrive and eventually will disappear.
Ah, but knowing that is half the battle.
Staying strong and confident, mentally and physically is what it takes for me to keep it away. So no matter how many times I don't "feel like" working out, I have to remind myself that the workout is how I fight back. I'm taking back my life. One workout at a time. It's my life and no one is going to control it but me.
Feeling that old feeling again. Starting to feel strong again.
After taking some significant time off from working out (which is never a good thing for me physically or mentally) I have got myself back in a routine this week and am feeling really, really good. It always amazes me how good I feel when I eat better and work out. Well, ok, that's not the amazing thing, the thing that really amazes me is how hard it is to get back to that after being away from it for a while. I always "know" I am going to feel better if I just do it, but it's the "just doing it" part that sometimes is the hardest thing to do. I'm not sure why that is. All I know is that I am glad that over the past 3 years, no matter how much I struggle and stray, I always seem to be able to get back to it. It just feels good. And I don't know why I fight it so much. I guess maybe because sometimes I don't feel like I am worthy of all of the benefits that eating better and exercise brings. Because it's easier to be a victim. It's easy to feel sorry for yourself. It's easy to sit back and ask "why me?".
Now, I'm not saying that is the mentality I was just recently in...but I was damn close. It's hard to battle the world and all of it's temptations. But it's even harder to battle yourself. Your mind tricks you and makes you think that you suck and that you don't deserve to be happy, healthy, successful or loved. Stop listening. It's so easy to fall back into those old habits because you feel alone, useless, fat, ugly, helpless and hopeless.. But you're not. I'm not. It's time to stand up to the bully inside you and get rid of it for good.
That's what I had to do over the last few weeks. Well, I didn't just decided one day that I was going to just stand up and say, "that's it! I've had enough! I am not going to be bullied anymore!" No. I am a planner. I like lists, spreadsheets, agendas..you get the gyst.. :-) I had to plan my attack against myself and build up the courage to do it. It wasn't an ultimatum, either. I decided that I would take baby steps until I got brave enough to just keep going past my bully, no matter what it said to me. So that's where I'm at. It's like having to pass that mean kid on the corner on your way to school everyday. You know they're there. But you also know you have to get past them in order to get to where you want to go. So maybe the first couple of days you try to take a different route so that you don't pass them at all. But that never works, because sooner or later, you come face to face with the bully. So you just gotta do what you gotta do.
This week, I have taken a deep breath, held my head up high and walked right past the bully with so much confidence. Why? Because I know what's beyond the bully. I've gone past that bully before and was ok. Sooner or later, that bully is going to go away for good because I am not feeding it anymore. I'm not giving into it. I'm not listening. It's all bull shit! As a person who was picked on because of her weight her entire life, it's very easy to believe the bullies - even in my forties. But I know better. If I don't feed any energy into that bully, it can't thrive and eventually will disappear.
Ah, but knowing that is half the battle.
Staying strong and confident, mentally and physically is what it takes for me to keep it away. So no matter how many times I don't "feel like" working out, I have to remind myself that the workout is how I fight back. I'm taking back my life. One workout at a time. It's my life and no one is going to control it but me.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Happy New Year, Happy New Me...
My how time flies...
2013 - another year come and gone. The older I get, the faster it seems to go.
It was just over a year ago that I started this blog. I took a little time - well, ok, a lot of time - away from this page after a while. I thought I'd try to figure things out off the page. But then I realized, no matter how scrambled or scattered or up and down I seemed, there was always someone out there who could relate to what I was going through. And therefore, at times, the absence of this blog was felt - but mostly by ME. I wasn't aiming for perfection, but something stopped me - or I allowed myself to stop and I lost myself because of that.
So in 2013, I am committed to this page. It has been an incredible tool of learning and self-discovery for me. It holds me accountable - not just for weight loss, but for my own personal goals. I have many goals I want to accomplish in 2013 and I believe they are significant individually, as accomplishments, but also critical in the success of accomplishing my ultimate goal - a happy me.
I won't share all of my goals, as some of them are very personal, but here are a few...
-to find the good in every person I meet
-to eliminate negativity from my life
-to try something new once a month
-to try something that scares me once a month (stepping out of my comfort zone)
-to find something good about myself everyday
-to take life less seriously
-to laugh more
...you get the idea.
What I have learned over the past year is this...what I was looking for...what I thought was the answer to living a new life....what I struggled so hard to find....isn't actually the answer at all. I got so caught up in finding "the perfect way to live" that I was forgetting TO live. It seems like there's a perfect solution at the end of the rainbow....there's not. It's life. No matter how much weight you lose - there are still ups and downs. Good times and bad. People you love get sick. They leave. They change. They die. It doesn't matter how much you weigh. That's never going to change the external factors in our lives. And that's just a simple fact.
It always seems like a fairy tale - "Oh, if I could only just do 'x,y,z...' everything would be so different for me." But the reality is that the "x,y,z.." has to come from within you. You have to change how you handle adversity, stress, anxiety and all of those other emotions that can cause us to "self-medicate" ourselves with food, drugs, alcohol, sex or whatever.
We have to look ourselves square in the mirror and accept who we are. accept responsibility for our own actions and have the courage to say, "It's ok, I'm learning from this and moving on." This is not easy. Sometimes, you fall so far down you can't even begin to think of how the hell you are going to get out, much less have a heart to heart with yourself in the mirror! But inside every one of us, I truly believe, there is a fire that burns. And sometimes that fire may seem like it's just about out, but all it takes is one little spark (it may be a song, it may be a friend, it may be an inspirational quote) and that fire starts to grow a little bigger. The bottom line is - you are what you are. You can settle into submission, sadness, guilt and depression or you can take a deep breath, suck it up and say, "Fuck it! This is MY life and the only person who is going to help me is me, dammit!" It's not going to be easy. It never is. But anything worth achieving is always worth a fight. And no one else can fight your fight for you. This is between you and you.
So for me, the most important thing is to keep a "stack of wood" readily available to keep my fire burning. So when my fire gets low, I can put another log on the fire. My stack of wood consists of things like my wedding video, great music on my ipod, my Zumba class, my before pictures, my journal, etc...these are things that always re-energize me when I am feeling low. But the key is to be able to be strong enough to pull from the stack of wood. It's no good if it just sits there. Build your stack of wood and use it!
Ok, so the analogy is a little corny, and probably not fleshed out enough, but you get the idea. Keep motivated. Try to find the positive in every situation. Don't fall back on old habits. And if you do, just recognize it and try to cut it short. I'm not pretending I'm an expert here. I'm just sharing what works for me. What I have learned along the way. What I have discovered through my own set backs and successes. And most importantly, what I believe is true. And that is, no matter how many stops and starts, how many ups and downs, gains and losses, we are human first. We have to love ourselves first. How you feel on the inside reflects on the outside.
So now I'm 3 years into my journey. I never thought I would come this far. I never thought I would change so much. And I never thought this would be a life-long fight, but it is and I'm going the distance!
So I say to you...don't EVER think you can't do it. Don't EVER think it's too late. And don't EVER think you are alone. You're not.
Let's have a great 2013!
2013 - another year come and gone. The older I get, the faster it seems to go.
It was just over a year ago that I started this blog. I took a little time - well, ok, a lot of time - away from this page after a while. I thought I'd try to figure things out off the page. But then I realized, no matter how scrambled or scattered or up and down I seemed, there was always someone out there who could relate to what I was going through. And therefore, at times, the absence of this blog was felt - but mostly by ME. I wasn't aiming for perfection, but something stopped me - or I allowed myself to stop and I lost myself because of that.
So in 2013, I am committed to this page. It has been an incredible tool of learning and self-discovery for me. It holds me accountable - not just for weight loss, but for my own personal goals. I have many goals I want to accomplish in 2013 and I believe they are significant individually, as accomplishments, but also critical in the success of accomplishing my ultimate goal - a happy me.
I won't share all of my goals, as some of them are very personal, but here are a few...
-to find the good in every person I meet
-to eliminate negativity from my life
-to try something new once a month
-to try something that scares me once a month (stepping out of my comfort zone)
-to find something good about myself everyday
-to take life less seriously
-to laugh more
...you get the idea.
What I have learned over the past year is this...what I was looking for...what I thought was the answer to living a new life....what I struggled so hard to find....isn't actually the answer at all. I got so caught up in finding "the perfect way to live" that I was forgetting TO live. It seems like there's a perfect solution at the end of the rainbow....there's not. It's life. No matter how much weight you lose - there are still ups and downs. Good times and bad. People you love get sick. They leave. They change. They die. It doesn't matter how much you weigh. That's never going to change the external factors in our lives. And that's just a simple fact.
It always seems like a fairy tale - "Oh, if I could only just do 'x,y,z...' everything would be so different for me." But the reality is that the "x,y,z.." has to come from within you. You have to change how you handle adversity, stress, anxiety and all of those other emotions that can cause us to "self-medicate" ourselves with food, drugs, alcohol, sex or whatever.
We have to look ourselves square in the mirror and accept who we are. accept responsibility for our own actions and have the courage to say, "It's ok, I'm learning from this and moving on." This is not easy. Sometimes, you fall so far down you can't even begin to think of how the hell you are going to get out, much less have a heart to heart with yourself in the mirror! But inside every one of us, I truly believe, there is a fire that burns. And sometimes that fire may seem like it's just about out, but all it takes is one little spark (it may be a song, it may be a friend, it may be an inspirational quote) and that fire starts to grow a little bigger. The bottom line is - you are what you are. You can settle into submission, sadness, guilt and depression or you can take a deep breath, suck it up and say, "Fuck it! This is MY life and the only person who is going to help me is me, dammit!" It's not going to be easy. It never is. But anything worth achieving is always worth a fight. And no one else can fight your fight for you. This is between you and you.
So for me, the most important thing is to keep a "stack of wood" readily available to keep my fire burning. So when my fire gets low, I can put another log on the fire. My stack of wood consists of things like my wedding video, great music on my ipod, my Zumba class, my before pictures, my journal, etc...these are things that always re-energize me when I am feeling low. But the key is to be able to be strong enough to pull from the stack of wood. It's no good if it just sits there. Build your stack of wood and use it!
Ok, so the analogy is a little corny, and probably not fleshed out enough, but you get the idea. Keep motivated. Try to find the positive in every situation. Don't fall back on old habits. And if you do, just recognize it and try to cut it short. I'm not pretending I'm an expert here. I'm just sharing what works for me. What I have learned along the way. What I have discovered through my own set backs and successes. And most importantly, what I believe is true. And that is, no matter how many stops and starts, how many ups and downs, gains and losses, we are human first. We have to love ourselves first. How you feel on the inside reflects on the outside.
So now I'm 3 years into my journey. I never thought I would come this far. I never thought I would change so much. And I never thought this would be a life-long fight, but it is and I'm going the distance!
So I say to you...don't EVER think you can't do it. Don't EVER think it's too late. And don't EVER think you are alone. You're not.
Let's have a great 2013!
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Smelling the Roses...
Ok, so it's been almost 7 months since my last post. wow. I took some time to try to figure things out away from the blog. So, yea, it's been a while. A lot has happened in that 7 months. I was really struggling at that point to find myself - where I was emotionally and physically and also trying to figure out what I wanted at that point in my life. I was all over the place!
Kerry and I got married on Saturday October 13, 2012. I can't tell you what an amazing experience that was! To be surrounded by so much love. The outpouring of love was just beyond anything I could ever try to explain. A few things stood out to me that day. #1, how absolutely beautiful Kerry looked. When I turned around and saw her coming down the aisle toward me, it took my breath away! # 2 was the amazing energy and love that was all around us that entire day! But mostly, I remember being so blown away by our flowers! They were so bright and vivid and BEAUTIFUL! I remember thinking, I wasn't really all that concerned about the flowers, I'm sure they would look nice. But Kerry's friend, Caren, did our flowers and because they were made with so much love, they just oozed with love and beauty and fragrance!
I also kept thinking, I can't believe that the flowers are standing out to me as one of the most prominent things in this wedding. I am not really a flower person - yes, I think they are nice and sometimes you get funky ones that are different than your usual roses, carnations, etc. But these flowers were so amazingly special that they just spoke to me - reminding me to stop and smell the roses...literally and figuratively. It took me to a place of peace within me. A place that I had been struggling to find in all of my previous posts. Love. Acceptance. Beauty. For the very first time in my entire life, I felt beautiful that day. On the outside! I have never felt beautiful before. I have never know what that feels like. And on this day, it was like a miracle - I not only felt beautiful, I WAS beautiful! And now I know and truly believe that I AM beautiful!
In the months leading up to the wedding, I had put the scale back in the closet. And this time, I was really ok with it! I didn't think about it, I didn't care about it. I no longer needed that scale for validation! I realized that I am good enough no matter what the scale says and I am so proud of all of my accomplishments! I really, truly realized that I am not defined by a number. I am defined by love. And I have found love - from my wife and from myself. I had experienced love in a whole different way that day! What an amazing gift that is!
Now, I'm not gonna lie - I did get on the scale right before the wedding - because I just wanted a checkpoint to know where I was when I got married. Was that really important? Probably not - but I felt like this was a new pinnacle of this journey for me and even though, my dress had now become my tool of measuring, I still had to have that closure with the scale. I was fine with the number - and for those of you who are wondering, I have not hit the 100lb mark. I don't know that I will and I don't really care if I do. It's not important to me anymore. Honestly. I feel like I have been freed from the shackles of pounds and scales and sizes. Those things are no longer important to me. I am the same person deep down, no matter what those numbers are.
...they're just numbers.
I feel so blessed to have been able to discover and experience a whole different way of thinking and viewing myself and how I am measuring my success.
I am beautiful inside and out, just as those flowers were! Simple, colorful and full of life. Sometimes we miss the simple things because we are focused on the bigger things - money, status, weight, etc. What we really need to do is just stop and smell the roses because, otherwise, we are missing out on all of life's simple treasures.
Thank you for following me on this journey! <3
Kerry and I got married on Saturday October 13, 2012. I can't tell you what an amazing experience that was! To be surrounded by so much love. The outpouring of love was just beyond anything I could ever try to explain. A few things stood out to me that day. #1, how absolutely beautiful Kerry looked. When I turned around and saw her coming down the aisle toward me, it took my breath away! # 2 was the amazing energy and love that was all around us that entire day! But mostly, I remember being so blown away by our flowers! They were so bright and vivid and BEAUTIFUL! I remember thinking, I wasn't really all that concerned about the flowers, I'm sure they would look nice. But Kerry's friend, Caren, did our flowers and because they were made with so much love, they just oozed with love and beauty and fragrance!
I also kept thinking, I can't believe that the flowers are standing out to me as one of the most prominent things in this wedding. I am not really a flower person - yes, I think they are nice and sometimes you get funky ones that are different than your usual roses, carnations, etc. But these flowers were so amazingly special that they just spoke to me - reminding me to stop and smell the roses...literally and figuratively. It took me to a place of peace within me. A place that I had been struggling to find in all of my previous posts. Love. Acceptance. Beauty. For the very first time in my entire life, I felt beautiful that day. On the outside! I have never felt beautiful before. I have never know what that feels like. And on this day, it was like a miracle - I not only felt beautiful, I WAS beautiful! And now I know and truly believe that I AM beautiful!
In the months leading up to the wedding, I had put the scale back in the closet. And this time, I was really ok with it! I didn't think about it, I didn't care about it. I no longer needed that scale for validation! I realized that I am good enough no matter what the scale says and I am so proud of all of my accomplishments! I really, truly realized that I am not defined by a number. I am defined by love. And I have found love - from my wife and from myself. I had experienced love in a whole different way that day! What an amazing gift that is!
Now, I'm not gonna lie - I did get on the scale right before the wedding - because I just wanted a checkpoint to know where I was when I got married. Was that really important? Probably not - but I felt like this was a new pinnacle of this journey for me and even though, my dress had now become my tool of measuring, I still had to have that closure with the scale. I was fine with the number - and for those of you who are wondering, I have not hit the 100lb mark. I don't know that I will and I don't really care if I do. It's not important to me anymore. Honestly. I feel like I have been freed from the shackles of pounds and scales and sizes. Those things are no longer important to me. I am the same person deep down, no matter what those numbers are.
...they're just numbers.
I feel so blessed to have been able to discover and experience a whole different way of thinking and viewing myself and how I am measuring my success.
I am beautiful inside and out, just as those flowers were! Simple, colorful and full of life. Sometimes we miss the simple things because we are focused on the bigger things - money, status, weight, etc. What we really need to do is just stop and smell the roses because, otherwise, we are missing out on all of life's simple treasures.
Thank you for following me on this journey! <3
Monday, April 9, 2012
Today was a good day
Let's back up for a minute. I had a really nice Easter with my family. I ate...alot. Was feeling fat and bloated and just ate.
I woke up this morning knowing that my pants were going to be very tight - they have been getting tighter. So I decided to take the frustration right out of the mix and I went to the closet and pulled out my size 12 work pants. Normally, this would have pissed me off. It would have made me feel bad and I would have jumped on the scale just to justify my feeling bad. But I didn't do that. I put my size 10 dress pants back in the closet and put the 12s on and it felt SO good to just put on a comfortable pair of pants that weren't tight or I had to give some effort to button. This was the weirdest feeling for me. To be comfortable in a bigger size. But it propelled me to have a pretty good food day.
I actually felt good about myself. Sounds weird. I actually felt thinner. Again, sounds weird. But I actually said to myself, "Sheri, you were a size 24 when you started this journey - you are not going to get upset about being in a size 12!" They're just numbers, anyway. Numbers don't define who we are or what we are made up of. It's just another label. I am a good person with a good heart and it doesn't matter what the number on the inside of my pants say or the number on the scale says that define me....it's irrelevant.
I have to say, I took the scale out of the closet on April 1 to weigh myself and have not put it back. I also have not stepped back on it since. It doesn't tempt me like it used to. It just sits in the bathroom and I don't pay any attention to it anymore.
I am working my way through this one day at a time, but I really believe I am starting to come to peace with myself. No more worrying about my size or my weight. I am missing so much because I have been so preoccupied with a stupid number. Seriously, I am letting go. Doesn't mean I'm giving up. I'm re-evaluating my approach to maintain a healthy lifestyle. That's where my focus needs to be and that's where I'm going to try to keep it.
Peter posted this picture of me from 10 years ago and I thought, "Damn, this is just what I needed!"
This is me 10 years ago and probably about 80lbs heavier. wow.
Then, someone posted this on Facebook about an hour later and I thought, "Damn, I needed.this too!"
And then another person posted this shortly after and I thought, "Ok. I'm getting messages here, it's time to start listening."
And so I have taken a deep, cleansing breath and I feel completely validated in my entire approach to today. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and we are in the exact place we are supposed to be for a purpose. We may never know until later (or ever) what that purpose is, but I always accept it and have faith that it is all meant to be.
Today I feel like I found inner peace.
The lesson is, no matter how much we struggle, we will always get through it with patience and faith. Sometimes we have to find faith. And sometimes we need to be reminded to have faith. Find your faith and find your inner peace. It's all good.
I'm not giving up. I'm just changing my approach. No matter how this journey evolves, I'm going to just keep moving forward with no regrets. Every day is a gift and there is always a lesson to be learned.
Keep an open mind and an open heart so you can find love an find peace within yourself.
Keep moving forward. One day closer.
I woke up this morning knowing that my pants were going to be very tight - they have been getting tighter. So I decided to take the frustration right out of the mix and I went to the closet and pulled out my size 12 work pants. Normally, this would have pissed me off. It would have made me feel bad and I would have jumped on the scale just to justify my feeling bad. But I didn't do that. I put my size 10 dress pants back in the closet and put the 12s on and it felt SO good to just put on a comfortable pair of pants that weren't tight or I had to give some effort to button. This was the weirdest feeling for me. To be comfortable in a bigger size. But it propelled me to have a pretty good food day.
I actually felt good about myself. Sounds weird. I actually felt thinner. Again, sounds weird. But I actually said to myself, "Sheri, you were a size 24 when you started this journey - you are not going to get upset about being in a size 12!" They're just numbers, anyway. Numbers don't define who we are or what we are made up of. It's just another label. I am a good person with a good heart and it doesn't matter what the number on the inside of my pants say or the number on the scale says that define me....it's irrelevant.
I have to say, I took the scale out of the closet on April 1 to weigh myself and have not put it back. I also have not stepped back on it since. It doesn't tempt me like it used to. It just sits in the bathroom and I don't pay any attention to it anymore.
I am working my way through this one day at a time, but I really believe I am starting to come to peace with myself. No more worrying about my size or my weight. I am missing so much because I have been so preoccupied with a stupid number. Seriously, I am letting go. Doesn't mean I'm giving up. I'm re-evaluating my approach to maintain a healthy lifestyle. That's where my focus needs to be and that's where I'm going to try to keep it.
Peter posted this picture of me from 10 years ago and I thought, "Damn, this is just what I needed!"
This is me 10 years ago and probably about 80lbs heavier. wow.
Then, someone posted this on Facebook about an hour later and I thought, "Damn, I needed.this too!"
And then another person posted this shortly after and I thought, "Ok. I'm getting messages here, it's time to start listening."
And so I have taken a deep, cleansing breath and I feel completely validated in my entire approach to today. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and we are in the exact place we are supposed to be for a purpose. We may never know until later (or ever) what that purpose is, but I always accept it and have faith that it is all meant to be.
Today I feel like I found inner peace.
The lesson is, no matter how much we struggle, we will always get through it with patience and faith. Sometimes we have to find faith. And sometimes we need to be reminded to have faith. Find your faith and find your inner peace. It's all good.
I'm not giving up. I'm just changing my approach. No matter how this journey evolves, I'm going to just keep moving forward with no regrets. Every day is a gift and there is always a lesson to be learned.
Keep an open mind and an open heart so you can find love an find peace within yourself.
Keep moving forward. One day closer.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Deja Vu
I know it's been a little while since I have last posted. I have been wanting to post, but have not been inspired to say much. I don't know that I'm really inspired now, but I feel like I really need to write tonight.
I just re-read my last post and the last paragraph really struck me tonight :
"So that's the way life goes...it just goes. It doesn't wait for you to figure out what you want to do. It doesn't wait for you to catch up. It doesn't wait for you for anything. It is our job to be ready for life. It is our job to be in control of our life. And it is our job to not drop out when life throws a wrench in your way. Adversity can be overcome. Life can still be lived and enjoyed to the fullest even when things are difficult - no matter what they are. We just have to be strong enough to not give in and not give up. Because in the end, the little stuff doesn't matter, the petty stuff doesn't matter and whatever it is that is holding you back doesn't matter. You matter. So you move forward for you. Because in the end, that's all there is."
It bears repeating - "And it is our job to not drop out when life throws a wrench in your way." Wow. Wish I had re-read this post a week ago. Last Wednesday one of Kerry's best friends from camp, Caitlin, passed away. Another shocker. What the hell is going on?! Caitlin was a beautiful soul who was SO smart and SO full of life. All I can keep saying is "this is just SO sad". She died the day before her 27th birthday. That is just too young. I simply cannot believe she is gone. It just doesn't make any sense to me. First Brian, now Caitlin - a week and a half apart - it is all too much to take.
Needless to say, I have been on somewhat of free-fall since I had that "cheeseburger" with Brenda while on my vacation 2 weeks ago. I have just been struggling to regain my focus. After day 17 of the Shred, my body was exhausted so I took a couple of days off to allow my body to rest and I never picked it back up. For a few days I felt like a failure. Like a quitter. I let doubt get the best of me.
Hold that thought.....
One thing I want to clarify about this blog is that I use it as an outlet for myself as I work my way through this journey. I wasn't sure how difficult it was going to be sharing so much about myself publicly. It is not easy to put yourself out there for judgment. I also use this as a means to motivate others. I do not pretend to be someone that I am not - I am simply working things out as I go. So sometimes I may seem to have it all together - that's because I do at that current moment. Sometimes I may seem to be all over the place - that's because I am at that current moment. And sometimes I may seem like I am trying to convince myself of something - that's because I am at that current moment.
This is a journey. My journey.
This is a process. My process.
I never claimed to be perfect. I never claimed to know it all. I learn as I go.
I simply just wanted to share
I wanted to share my journey in the hopes that it would help inspire someone else who was just like I was 2+ years ago - on the verge of despair and giving up hope and basically resigning myself to the fact that I would never be able to lose weight again - that it would be impossible and even if I did, it would take forever before I even saw any real results. I want others to know there IS hope and you CAN do this. And you don't have to do it alone. I believe this with all my heart.
Now back to my previous thought...
I have been struggling. I have allowed myself to second-guess myself and tell myself that I am not "Jillian Michaels" so I should stop acting like it. That maybe I should leave this kind of stuff to the professionals. And who the hell do I think I am? I have felt disconnected from my life, my workouts, my eating, my journey and all of my goals. It's like someone took a bucket of cold water and doused my fire. I have felt fat. I have felt disappointed that I have allowed myself to give in and start to give up.
But that is because I allowed it. I believed it. Why? I don't know. Maybe because I was vulnerable the past 2 weeks. I let my guard down and was susceptible to being hurt. Or maybe because I was just hurting and didn't know how to deal with it.
My friend Peter sent me a picture of us from about 10 years ago. I looked at myself and I thought - "who the hell is that?" I thanked him for sending that picture because it made me realize how absurd I was being that day saying that I was fat. I compared my face in the picture to my reflection in the mirror and I said (out loud), "No, Sheri, you are still good." Perspective. The weird thing is that, physically, I felt like I was as big as that picture. But again, the mind plays tricks on you and you have to re-train your brain. So I looked at the picture and then at my reflection over and over again so that I could really try to grasp what I really look like. It's crazy.
Anyway, it's Easter this weekend. I have decided that I am going to try to refocus and get back to basics on Monday - nothing extreme - cause I'm still trying to find balance. But in all of this I have to remember that I still have a wedding dress to fit into in 6 months. So while it's ok to have these little - rest stops - along the way, we still have to get back on the road and keep moving forward.
This morning I thought to myself, "you have to stop worrying about what you're doing or "not" doing and remember what you have accomplished thus far. You are in control. You call the shots. You can continue to flail or your can gain control of your life and continue to move on".
So that is what I am choosing to do. :-)
Keep moving forward. One day closer.
I just re-read my last post and the last paragraph really struck me tonight :
"So that's the way life goes...it just goes. It doesn't wait for you to figure out what you want to do. It doesn't wait for you to catch up. It doesn't wait for you for anything. It is our job to be ready for life. It is our job to be in control of our life. And it is our job to not drop out when life throws a wrench in your way. Adversity can be overcome. Life can still be lived and enjoyed to the fullest even when things are difficult - no matter what they are. We just have to be strong enough to not give in and not give up. Because in the end, the little stuff doesn't matter, the petty stuff doesn't matter and whatever it is that is holding you back doesn't matter. You matter. So you move forward for you. Because in the end, that's all there is."
It bears repeating - "And it is our job to not drop out when life throws a wrench in your way." Wow. Wish I had re-read this post a week ago. Last Wednesday one of Kerry's best friends from camp, Caitlin, passed away. Another shocker. What the hell is going on?! Caitlin was a beautiful soul who was SO smart and SO full of life. All I can keep saying is "this is just SO sad". She died the day before her 27th birthday. That is just too young. I simply cannot believe she is gone. It just doesn't make any sense to me. First Brian, now Caitlin - a week and a half apart - it is all too much to take.Needless to say, I have been on somewhat of free-fall since I had that "cheeseburger" with Brenda while on my vacation 2 weeks ago. I have just been struggling to regain my focus. After day 17 of the Shred, my body was exhausted so I took a couple of days off to allow my body to rest and I never picked it back up. For a few days I felt like a failure. Like a quitter. I let doubt get the best of me.
Hold that thought.....
One thing I want to clarify about this blog is that I use it as an outlet for myself as I work my way through this journey. I wasn't sure how difficult it was going to be sharing so much about myself publicly. It is not easy to put yourself out there for judgment. I also use this as a means to motivate others. I do not pretend to be someone that I am not - I am simply working things out as I go. So sometimes I may seem to have it all together - that's because I do at that current moment. Sometimes I may seem to be all over the place - that's because I am at that current moment. And sometimes I may seem like I am trying to convince myself of something - that's because I am at that current moment.
This is a journey. My journey.
This is a process. My process.
I never claimed to be perfect. I never claimed to know it all. I learn as I go.
I simply just wanted to share
I wanted to share my journey in the hopes that it would help inspire someone else who was just like I was 2+ years ago - on the verge of despair and giving up hope and basically resigning myself to the fact that I would never be able to lose weight again - that it would be impossible and even if I did, it would take forever before I even saw any real results. I want others to know there IS hope and you CAN do this. And you don't have to do it alone. I believe this with all my heart.
Now back to my previous thought...
I have been struggling. I have allowed myself to second-guess myself and tell myself that I am not "Jillian Michaels" so I should stop acting like it. That maybe I should leave this kind of stuff to the professionals. And who the hell do I think I am? I have felt disconnected from my life, my workouts, my eating, my journey and all of my goals. It's like someone took a bucket of cold water and doused my fire. I have felt fat. I have felt disappointed that I have allowed myself to give in and start to give up.
But that is because I allowed it. I believed it. Why? I don't know. Maybe because I was vulnerable the past 2 weeks. I let my guard down and was susceptible to being hurt. Or maybe because I was just hurting and didn't know how to deal with it.
My friend Peter sent me a picture of us from about 10 years ago. I looked at myself and I thought - "who the hell is that?" I thanked him for sending that picture because it made me realize how absurd I was being that day saying that I was fat. I compared my face in the picture to my reflection in the mirror and I said (out loud), "No, Sheri, you are still good." Perspective. The weird thing is that, physically, I felt like I was as big as that picture. But again, the mind plays tricks on you and you have to re-train your brain. So I looked at the picture and then at my reflection over and over again so that I could really try to grasp what I really look like. It's crazy.
Anyway, it's Easter this weekend. I have decided that I am going to try to refocus and get back to basics on Monday - nothing extreme - cause I'm still trying to find balance. But in all of this I have to remember that I still have a wedding dress to fit into in 6 months. So while it's ok to have these little - rest stops - along the way, we still have to get back on the road and keep moving forward.
This morning I thought to myself, "you have to stop worrying about what you're doing or "not" doing and remember what you have accomplished thus far. You are in control. You call the shots. You can continue to flail or your can gain control of your life and continue to move on".
So that is what I am choosing to do. :-)
Keep moving forward. One day closer.
Monday, March 19, 2012
When Good People Die
This weekend, my co-worker, Brian suffered a massive heart attack and passed away. He was only 46. The shock is starting to wear off a little and reality is starting to set in. The reality that I am never going to see him again. The reality that I will never talk to him again. The reality that I will never hear his hearty laugh when we exchange quotes from the movie Spaceballs.
It just sucks.
It's so hard to wrap your head around when good people die. But when it happens suddenly, it's just mind-boggling. It's just sad. I know he's in a better place right now, but I feel robbed. I didn't get to say goodbye to him. I didn't get to tell him how much I enjoyed working with him. I didn't get to tell him how much he made me laugh and smile. It feels like grand larceny. I know there are no guarantees. And quite honestly, I was just his co-worker. I feel for his wife and kids that he left behind. Losing someone you love suddenly is not easy. There are no answers so it makes it that much harder to deal with it.
Again, this is just another reminder that life is short - forget the petty bull shit and live life to the fullest. Never go to bed angry. Tell people you love them. You may never get another chance. I, of course, know this first hand from my sister's death. Brian's death (just sounds so strange typing it) brought up a lot of those feelings again. You just keep trying to make sense of something that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever - and knowing, just knowing, that you will never have the answers you are looking for. I take peace in the fact that it was probably very quick and that he did not suffer. But really, that doesn't make me feel any better about the fact that he is gone. And MUCH too soon. RIP Brian. I will miss you.
Dealing with death fills me with mixed emotions. Immediately I want to comfort myself with food. But then I also want to be healthy because I want to live long. So today I met my good friend Brenda for lunch at Chili's and I had a mushroom cheeseburger with fries. I only ate about 4 or 5 fries, but I polished off the burger with no problem. I have been craving a cheeseburger for a while now and I just felt like today was kind of a "fuck it, I'm eating what I want" day. I didn't eat out of control today by any means, I just ate more than what I normally would. Brenda always has a way of making me feel good about myself and I love her for that! <3 So I went for a 2 mile walk when I got home (I figure that was enough to work off the cheese, anyway! lol) and then I did Jillian Michael's 30 day shred when I got home.
Kerry and I are on day 8 of the shred. We are determined to do 30 days straight. What's great is that it's quick (25 minutes) and familiar to us and it's nice to have Jillian push you (even tho she says the same thing to me every night! lol! guess I'll have to change up to level 2 soon, eh?) Anyway, it's a great workout and it makes us both feel really good. It's like going back home - getting back to basics. This is what we started out with the first 30 days into this journey. It's something we both enjoy. Altho, I must admit, I've been feeling a little disconnected with my workouts lately. Sometimes I feel like I am just going through the motions - but I guess that is better than not doing anything at all. So I'll keep pushing and then eventually I'll wake up and feel better about the whole process. The good news in all of this is I have left the scale in the closet! And NOT ONCE have i been tempted to bring it out or get on it. We are still on non-speaking terms. The way I look at it is, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all - so in the closet it stays! :-)
Anyway, I feel like I have been trying to hit my stride while dealing with all these adversities...but the fact that I am still afloat and maintaining is good. It's very good - hell, it's great! I am proud of myself for that much. So that's the way life goes...it just goes. It doesn't wait for you to figure out what you want to do. It doesn't wait for you to catch up. It doesn't wait for you for anything. It is our job to be ready for life. It is our job to be in control of our life. And it is our job to not drop out when life throws a wrench in your way. Adversity can be overcome. Life can still be lived and enjoyed to the fullest even when things are difficult - no matter what they are. We just have to be strong enough to not give in and not give up. Because in the end, the little stuff doesn't matter, the petty stuff doesn't matter and whatever it is that is holding you back doesn't matter. You matter. So you move forward for you. Because in the end, that's all there is.
Keep moving forward. One day closer.
It just sucks.
It's so hard to wrap your head around when good people die. But when it happens suddenly, it's just mind-boggling. It's just sad. I know he's in a better place right now, but I feel robbed. I didn't get to say goodbye to him. I didn't get to tell him how much I enjoyed working with him. I didn't get to tell him how much he made me laugh and smile. It feels like grand larceny. I know there are no guarantees. And quite honestly, I was just his co-worker. I feel for his wife and kids that he left behind. Losing someone you love suddenly is not easy. There are no answers so it makes it that much harder to deal with it.
Again, this is just another reminder that life is short - forget the petty bull shit and live life to the fullest. Never go to bed angry. Tell people you love them. You may never get another chance. I, of course, know this first hand from my sister's death. Brian's death (just sounds so strange typing it) brought up a lot of those feelings again. You just keep trying to make sense of something that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever - and knowing, just knowing, that you will never have the answers you are looking for. I take peace in the fact that it was probably very quick and that he did not suffer. But really, that doesn't make me feel any better about the fact that he is gone. And MUCH too soon. RIP Brian. I will miss you.
Dealing with death fills me with mixed emotions. Immediately I want to comfort myself with food. But then I also want to be healthy because I want to live long. So today I met my good friend Brenda for lunch at Chili's and I had a mushroom cheeseburger with fries. I only ate about 4 or 5 fries, but I polished off the burger with no problem. I have been craving a cheeseburger for a while now and I just felt like today was kind of a "fuck it, I'm eating what I want" day. I didn't eat out of control today by any means, I just ate more than what I normally would. Brenda always has a way of making me feel good about myself and I love her for that! <3 So I went for a 2 mile walk when I got home (I figure that was enough to work off the cheese, anyway! lol) and then I did Jillian Michael's 30 day shred when I got home.
Kerry and I are on day 8 of the shred. We are determined to do 30 days straight. What's great is that it's quick (25 minutes) and familiar to us and it's nice to have Jillian push you (even tho she says the same thing to me every night! lol! guess I'll have to change up to level 2 soon, eh?) Anyway, it's a great workout and it makes us both feel really good. It's like going back home - getting back to basics. This is what we started out with the first 30 days into this journey. It's something we both enjoy. Altho, I must admit, I've been feeling a little disconnected with my workouts lately. Sometimes I feel like I am just going through the motions - but I guess that is better than not doing anything at all. So I'll keep pushing and then eventually I'll wake up and feel better about the whole process. The good news in all of this is I have left the scale in the closet! And NOT ONCE have i been tempted to bring it out or get on it. We are still on non-speaking terms. The way I look at it is, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all - so in the closet it stays! :-)
Anyway, I feel like I have been trying to hit my stride while dealing with all these adversities...but the fact that I am still afloat and maintaining is good. It's very good - hell, it's great! I am proud of myself for that much. So that's the way life goes...it just goes. It doesn't wait for you to figure out what you want to do. It doesn't wait for you to catch up. It doesn't wait for you for anything. It is our job to be ready for life. It is our job to be in control of our life. And it is our job to not drop out when life throws a wrench in your way. Adversity can be overcome. Life can still be lived and enjoyed to the fullest even when things are difficult - no matter what they are. We just have to be strong enough to not give in and not give up. Because in the end, the little stuff doesn't matter, the petty stuff doesn't matter and whatever it is that is holding you back doesn't matter. You matter. So you move forward for you. Because in the end, that's all there is.
Keep moving forward. One day closer.
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